Ten Moments He Didn't and One He Did
by alwaysuptonogood
Summary: There were ten moments in Harry Potter's life where he didn't realise he belonged on this earth; and one where he did. Written in response to the Shuffle Challenge set by Kore-of-Myth - pairing Harry/Ginny. Spoilers for all seven books.


**Wow this was hard to do!! But I just managed x The Shuffle Challenge is awesome – check it out if you have the chance!! **

**Spotlight – Mute Math**

Dying was something I had always thought trivial. Something to come at the very end – certainly not when I was eleven years old; and never something I thought I'd go looking for. But here I was. Maybe it wouldn't be too hard...just a fall, and then I'd be with my parents, my family.

Death couldn't hurt too much; why else would it be inflicted on an eleven year old if it was?

So this was it. Just take a fall...and then I'd be gone. Nothing but a memory – and as Quirrell turned, it was like torture. Voldemort, there – it was like a spotlight was on me. Everyone would rather watch me fall then let the world die.

Just fall. And then I'd be gone. The spotlight was on me and I was going to die.

**Thunder – Boys Like Girls**

It's funny how life seems to take you down a road you never want to go down. I always try to figure out what's next for me... and I'm always looking for a way out. And all that flashes through me while I stare at the almost dead body of my best friend's sister.

She can't die...it'd destroy Ron; destroy the whole of the Weasley family. They didn't deserve this; heck no one did. I hate this! Nobody ever tells me where to start, and then they just drop me here, with no-where to go and looking for a way out still. And how is that good when it risks the life of someone else? Ginny...I barely know her. It was so unfair if she died like this. It'd be like plain murder.

Every moment it's like I'm walking on a tightrope. I check her pulse anxiously, and I feel nothing. That's it then. Bring on the pain.

Wake up Ginny.

**Decode – Paramore**

I shouldn't be trusted to know people. This wasn't fair. Struggling against bindings...I can't do anything. Nothing to save him – how did I even get here? I didn't even know Cedric so well... I don't know how I got here. All I know is that I should be dead. Not Cedric.

And Voldemort thinks he can get away with this? I still don't understand...why the hell was I put into all of this? And Cedric...he was innocent. He had done nothing but try to find victory. And me...I was just being selfish. What was I thinking, even agreeing to carry on in this tournament? Maybe if I hadn't then Cedric would have...no...

I've gone and made such a fool of him. Everybody will pity him when the truth was; he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. He didn't deserve to be here. How did he get here? Maybe if I was quicker...I think I know why this happens to everyone.

There's something I see in myself. It'll kill everybody else around me.

I'm a magnet for death.

**Lithium - Evanescence**

I can't do this anymore. I can't...there's too much inside of me now. I want to let it go.

How am I expected to survive against Voldemort? He's a murderer...mass murderer...and more experienced – I can't live...Is death really going to be that cold? What's wrong with me...I've given up before it's begun.

I can't keep myself to myself anymore. I want to put everything behind me – but I don't want to let my parents and Cedric behind. No – it'd be like abandoning them. But this...it was like drowning in my sorrow. Spell after spell is sent at me in this goddamned graveyard and I'm alone in this darkness; completely alone. And I won't be able to break free until I let this go.

I need them to forgive me. For bringing death upon them – for sending them to murder themselves by nature – what the hell is wrong with me...I'm stupid...I can't lock myself up inside anymore...but I don't want to forget them... Is it possible for me to stay with my sorrow?

That's it. I'm letting go. I'm giving up.

**Hallelujah - Paramore**

Somehow he'll come back. Somehow everything will fall back into place. It just...needs to fall faster. I know it will... I'll make it change. I'll make him come back. I'll make his life back. Just like that.

This time I can't give up. No one is. I promised myself this wouldn't happen. I feel like screaming. I'll make this grief last forever – it's like guilt. Maybe if I made my eyes see the end, I'd ignore everything else and finish this. That's my job after all. A fifteen year old boy. A stupid fifteen year old boy. Who was I kidding?

No, I couldn't give up this time. I've got time...haven't I? Or is this it. Everything will end before it's even started. And I'll be left here – screaming – alone. Not this time – no, I'll make it last forever, in the dark, on my own.

**Your Guardian Angel – Red Jumpsuit Apparatus**

I can't look at him. It'd be admitting defeat. I'm strong enough to figure out that this worlds slowly tearing me apart. I'll make sure no-one else suffers. I'll save everyone else – even if it means the end for me.

It's OK.

Seasons change all the time; they die. No one cares less. Nights grow shorter – the same as my life. I'll make sure no-one else falls. That's what he's taught me. To save everyone, despite the consequences. He showed me that tonight. No-one can walk away from this war now, least of all me. But did he have to go? He was my guide in this, the last person who understood.

He told me that he'd still be here through everything. But look where that got him – death. Wherever that was. He was with everyone else. Everyone else who had promised to be here forever. And they'd died. Because of me.

**Sweet Sacrifice - Evanescence**

It's true. Fear is only in our minds, taking over every time. But the mind controls us. It controls our every day. Which must have landed me here – locked in a cellar. My friend being tortured to death above me while others surely starved; I was hopeless.

I can't deny that I was willing to make this sacrifice for everyone; but for my friends? No, they didn't deserve to have to make that sacrifice themselves. Fear takes over everything. I've had too much fear in my life. And now I've sacrificed that to Ron and Hermione – the innocent. No-one can deny that I'm a bad omen. I'm the pain in this world; and I spread it to everyone.

All the innocent are being sacrificed by my selfish doings. I've brought myself down with this.

I'm the sacrifice.

**Broken – Secondhand Serenade**

In the moonlight, death seems to glow like deadly diamonds. Blood flows like the ocean. And bodies crash like waves, taking over the mind. And now Fred's joined them.

Is it broken? Is my own control broken now? I need to scream it out loud now. I'm the cause of this. Is the whole world broken because of me? I can see in everyone else's eyes that they are ready to break. And so am I. I've been ready for so long now. But I'm the one person who can't deserve to break.

Across from each other; death and life is like the armies in this war. And Voldemort's not going to rest until I'm on the other side. He's willing to kill all these people – Fred, who I considered my own brother, just to get to me? Just one more time round. Death; that's what I tell myself with each one – it'll be the last one, I make the promise each time. And each one breaks me even more and I somehow know that they're never going to stop.

Am I broken? I break everyone else around me into rubble...I can't control myself any more. And now I can't work any of this out. Everyone else has broken. And I broke first, but I can't look away. I don't want to look away any more.

**You Found Me – The Fray**

I found death everywhere I walk, each time hopefully the last. Nobody knows when it'll strike. Where was I when everything started to fall apart? I was on an adventure that never got exciting. I'm lost and insecure, and death finds me. But it doesn't strike, it strikes everyone else until death surrounds me.

Even Snape, someone I always thought I would be happy to see dead; but not in this sort of way. It's just cruel. I was lost...and still death found me. Proof was lying on the floor around me. Blood – murder – death – bodies - and Snape. He didn't fit into any of these categories, yet stuck out. It was every schoolboy's fantasy, their teacher dead. But no one really wanted to happen.

Death just couldn't leave me alone, could it?

Lost and insecure – death still found me. It was everywhere. And where was I? I was being lost and insecure. Just like every other death. I was too late to save any of these people. Death always found them first; mistaking their target each time - always taking the wrong person. But it always found someone.

**Here We Go Again – Paramore**

Here we go again. All the times I've passed death, brushed shoulders with it, and here I was leading myself to it. Well that was a first - and hopefully a last. It needed to end – now. I was ready for it to end now.

I can't say I'm sad to die. Well I'm not. Of course I'm not. It's saving the world – isn't it?

All the things I did, and now I'm wondering if any of it was worth it. I can't say I'm sad to be facing death now. Under my own circumstances. I'm not – maybe if I keep telling myself that, it'll force itself into reality and stick in my mind. I'd tell everyone to let them know I'm going to be alright. I'll be with my family again. The Marauders. My parents. Dumbledore.

They can't be sad. I can't just take this back now. I can't take it back. There's no way now. I'm here – I've got to -

Two words and a flash of green light.

**No One – Aly and AJ**

I move through crowds trying to find myself. They're all pleased – but how. I ask myself...who do I want to be? Do I want to be the hero - or even human? No I don't. Ginny's the only one who really knows who I am.

I feel too alone. I thought this'd end. Do I not deserve happiness? It's like someone's thrown away the key for my mind and locked it away. I want to be anyone else but myself. The shadows of the world seem to only show the bad side of me. I'm not even sure I have a good side anymore.

And now Ginny's here and I can see why I did all of this. Being with hers why I made it through this. Moving through the crowd is easy.


End file.
